Accept Your Unsolveable Problems

In this edition, we take a look at another concept from John Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, examining a way to reframe the most vexing challenges in your marriage…

🎯 The Idea In a Nutshell:

• Most forms of marital therapy focus heavily on problem-solving.

• But, Gottman’s research indicates that nearly 7 in 10 marital problems are unsolvable.

• Examples include:

  • Conflicting parenting styles

  • Differing sex drives

  • Disagreements over household responsibilities

  • Divergent money habits

  • etc

• Trying to "solve" these perpetual problems often makes the situation worse.

• Couples who thrive in spite of them do so because they’ve learned to reframe them and manage them more productively.

📝 Diving Deeper

Following married couples over many years, Gottman’s team has found that nearly 7 out of 10 conflicts are perpetual. These fundamental differences in personality, values, or lifestyle preferences repeatedly surface year after year.

Mismatched libidos. Spender vs. saver tendencies. Neat freak vs. laid-back approaches to chores. Differing ideas on discipline for the kids.

Sound familiar?

More often than not, trying to force a resolution on these deep-seated differences leads to nothing but gridlock. You repeat the same arguments over and over. You feel increasingly attacked or unheard. You dig in your heels. It’s enough to sap the strongest of relationships.

Yet, many couples are able to thrive in spite of these perpetual challenges.

They haven’t learned some magic trick to make them disappear. They’ve simply learned to manage them as a team. To make peace with their irreconcilable differences. And to reframe their perpetual challenges as part of the game of marriage.

It starts with acceptance. When we choose a long-term partner, we inevitably choose a particular set of unsolvable problems. And if we’re not careful, we fall into the trap of “if only” thinking:

• “If only she was more punctual.”

• “If only she wasn’t so uptight about housework.”

• “If only she didn’t raise her voice so much with the kids.”

But that’s not how this works. These patterns are unlikely to change, and all couples face such recurring issues. So you have a choice to make. Live with them. Or don’t.

Bashing your head against the same brick wall over and over is only making the situation worse. Instead, Gottman recommends several other tips for handling unsolvable problems in our marriages:

• Use humor and affection: Frame discussions with lightheartedness to reduce tension.

• Practice "soft startups": Begin conversations calmly without blame (e.g., "I feel stressed about..." instead of "You never...")

• Identify flexibility: Clarify areas where compromise is possible (e.g., "I can adjust X if we address Y")

• Repair attempts: Employ phrases like "I need a moment" or inside jokes to reset the conversation when tensions start to run high

• Focus on connection: Prioritize mutual respect and curiosity over "winning" arguments

• Express gratitude: End discussions by acknowledging efforts ("Thanks for hearing me out")

Remember: Thriving relationships aren’t built on solving every problem. They’re built on the ability to stay connected in spite of them. Acceptance, mutual respect, and a spirit of collaboration can turn recurring frustrations into opportunities for intimacy and growth.

👉 Why it matters:

• Understanding how common perpetual problems are takes some pressure off.

• We learn that repeated issues aren’t a sign of a deficiency in our marriage and that it’s possible for our relationship to thrive in spite of them.

• This enables us to move out of gridlock and into more productive strategies designed to keep these inevitable problems in their place.

🤔 Prompts for Reflection

• What are the biggest recurring issues in your marriage?

• Where are you getting gridlocked by attempts to solve, rather than manage, these problems?

• How can you employ more productive approaches aimed at preventing these problems from eroding the foundation of your marriage?

Make today impactful,
~Jason