Contribution Over Competition

In this edition, we continue our exploration of The Courage to be Disliked. This time, we look at a simple reframe that can help us move past self-doubt, perfectionism, and the fear of failure…

🎯 The Idea In a Nutshell:

• Much of our anxiety comes from a need to be recognized, praised, or deemed “enough” by others.

• These fears fuel self-doubt, hesitation, and perfectionism.

• Shifting our focus from competition to contribution helps us transcend these fears.

• When we fixate less on measuring up and more on adding value, we experience less pressure to impress and reduced outcome anxiety.

• This increases our confidence and allows us to be more present, enjoying the process of life instead of seeing everything as a test of our “enoughness.”

📝 Diving Deeper

As I’ve mentioned in our last two editions, The Courage to Be Disliked is based on the teachings of the renowned psychologist, Alfred Adler. At the heart of Adler’s work is the idea that if you drill down to the root of all our emotional disturbances, you will find interpersonal relationship problems:

• We're anxious because we fear rejection.

• We're angry because we feel disrespected.

• We're insecure because we're comparing ourselves to others.

• We're perfectionistic because we want to be praised and admired.

Humans are deeply social creatures, so it’s no surprise that how we perceive our place in the world relative to others is a big fucking deal. Am I enough? Do I matter? Will I be accepted? These are not superficial questions. They strike at the very core of what makes us human.

This is why the argument you had with your wife last week felt so existential. It’s why you’re racked with nerves before that presentation at work. It’s why you still worry about the impressions you make at social events.

Left unchecked, these fears become paralyzing. We hesitate to propose that big idea at work because we don’t want to be ostracized. We don’t volunteer to lead that workshop because we’re scared we’ll fall flat. We don’t challenge our partner with important feedback because we don’t want to rock the boat.

Adler offers us an antidote: Focus less on approval-seeking and more on making a contribution. It’s a subtle but profound shift. Adjusting our focus from inward — “how will I be judged?” to outward — “how can I help?” — frees us to act with confidence.

• Sharing that big idea at work becomes an opportunity to level up your company, not to prove your intelligence.

• Leading that workshop becomes a chance to coach up your peers, not to boost your credentials.

• Sharing that difficult feedback with your partner becomes a way to strengthen your relationship, not assert your superiority.

When contribution is the goal, our fear of measuring up loses its power. It’s no longer about perfection and performance, it’s about participation and purpose.

👉 Why it matters:

• Focusing on contribution lets us shift from proving our worth to living our values.

• The resulting confidence frees us to live a life that’s more aligned with our inner calling.

• We act more courageously at work and more openly in our personal relationships when our goals focus on participation in a greater whole.

🤔 Prompts for Reflection

• In what parts of your life are you being controlled by your fear of measuring up?

• Pick one specific situation: What would it look like to shift your focus to contribution?

• How would your life look different as a whole if you fully embodied this mindset?

Make today impactful,
~Jason