It's Not About Problem-Solving

In this edition, we explore an insight from John Gottman’s renowned book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, that can help us more effectively show up for our partners in times of stress…

🎯 The Idea In a Nutshell:

• As men, society teaches us to compartmentalize emotion.

• All the models we’re given emphasize self-sufficient problem-solving over dwelling on feelings.

• In many settings, these are valuable lessons, but in marriage, this approach hinders emotional connection.

• Our efforts to help solve our partners’ problems may be well-intentioned, but they come across as dismissive and uncaring.

• Instead, we must learn to lean into compassion and understanding.

📝 Diving Deeper

Our whole lives, we’re taught to put our emotions in a box—”real men” don’t trade in the currency of feelings. We’re told to act rationally. To be self-sufficient. To solve problems, not ruminate on them.

These can be valuable skills in many facets of life. But this approach can lead us astray when our partners need support. Our efforts to push through emotions and get to a solution may be well-intentioned, but they come across as anything but. Our partners don’t feel supported. They feel dismissed.

More often than not, our partners are not looking for someone to solve their problems. They’re looking for someone to bear witness. To hear them out. To empathize. Remember, it’s not about the nail.

But we were taught to push through pain, not to sit with it. For some of us, myself included, this doesn’t simply mean that we lack the skills to show up effectively in these moments, it means we’re physically uncomfortable with the entire process.

Gottman gives us some practical advice:

• Admit to the difficulty: Letting your partner know that confronting and responding to negative emotions is challenging for you can go a long way.

• Use exploratory statements: Leverage simple, open-ended conversation starters like:

  • “Tell me more about the background of this situation.”

  • “What are your specific concerns here?”

  • “How can I best show up for you right now?”

• Avoid “why” questions: These come off as accusational. For example, “why do you think that,“ gets interpreted as “stop thinking that way.”

👉 Why it matters:

• Slowing down and leaving space for exploration of problems may go against our instincts, but intimacy and closeness depend on it.

• Having a simple playbook to execute in these situations gives us a place to start building the skills society never taught us.

🤔 Prompts for Reflection

• In what ways has your focus on self-sufficiency and problem solving been a hindrance in your marriage?

• How would your relationship improve if you were more comfortable responding to your partner’s negative emotions?

• What strategies can you have in your back pocket the next time this situation arises?

Make today impactful,
~Jason