That is Not Your Task

In this edition, we dive back into The Courage to be Disliked, a renowned personal development book based on the teachings of Alfred Adler. We’ll explore a simple framework to reduce unnecessary suffering by drawing clearer boundaries…

🎯 The Idea In a Nutshell:

• Struggles often arise when we take responsibility for things that aren’t ours or when we allow others to take responsibility for things that are.

• Adler encourages us to practice “non-interference.”

• This means letting go of work that doesn’t belong to us.

• It also means not letting other people exercise undue influence on how we live our lives.

📝 Diving Deeper

At its core, Adler’s “non-interference” is about defining boundaries. His insight here is simple but profound — some tasks belong to us, most do not. And many of our struggles stem from an inability to tell the difference.

There are two ways this goes wrong:

1. Doing someone else’s task:

Too often, we give ourselves heartburn over things we can’t control — how other people think, feel, or behave. We worry if our colleagues will think our presentation was smart enough. We stress about how our kids dress, what they eat, and the kind of shows they watch. We bend over backward to win approval from our spouse.

Adler would argue that these are examples of us doing other people’s work. His antidote is simple: Learn to say, “That is not my task.”

With our kids, our job is to love, support, and guide. What they do with that? Their task. Not ours.

With our partner, our job is to show up honestly and lovingly. Whether they validate us or agree with our perspective? Their task. Not ours.

With our work, our job is to give maximum effort. Whether our coworkers appreciate our contributions? Their task. Not ours.

Trying to control someone else’s internal world only leads to frustration and often creates resentment on both sides.

2. Letting someone else do your task:

This one’s more pernicious. It’s not taking that weekend trip because it might upset your spouse. It’s avoiding a career change because of what your parents might think. It’s staying quiet to keep the peace, even when something important needs to be said.

We’re letting others dictate our decisions, allowing their discomfort or disapproval to dictate our path. We’re giving away responsibility for our lives.

And our lives are our task — no one else’s. We don’t need permission. We don’t need approval. We just need courage.

Non-interference is a two-way street. Stay in your lane, and don’t let others drift into yours. So the next time you find yourself anxious, resentful, or drained, ask:
“Whose task is this?”

The answer might change everything.

👉 Why it matters:

• As fathers, we have no shortage of responsibilities.

• We do not need to burden ourselves with the additional load of other people’s work.

• Routinely reminding yourself of what is and is not your task brings clarity, equanimity, and focus.

• This allows you to live a life that’s true to your needs and desires, while serving as an example to those around you.

• Non-interference also helps us let go of judgment, making us less critical and more accepting, especially of those closest to us, like our children.

🤔 Prompts for Reflection

• What’s one area at work or at home where you’re stressing over someone else’s task?

• What’s one area where you’re allowing others to dictate your decisions?

• How might your path become simpler if you exercised clearer boundaries?

Make today impactful,
~Jason