The Expectation Trap

This week, we continue our exploration of The Consolations of Philosophy by Alain de Botton, unpacking what lies at the root of our anger and what we can do to get it under control…

🎯 The Idea In a Nutshell:

• It’s tempting to think of anger as an automatic reflex to external events.

• But doing so robs us of agency.

• In reality, our anger is far more within our control than we realize.

• The key is to recognize that anger is born in the gap between our hopes and reality.

• We can cultivate equanimity by recalibrating unrealistic and naïve expectations.

📝 Diving Deeper

We like to think that our outbursts are rooted in events that are out of our control: the kids misbehaving at bedtime, our partner lashing out at us, getting looked over for that promotion at work.

But the Stoic philosopher Seneca saw things differently. He argued that anger isn’t some automatic reflex spurred by external circumstances; it’s something we choose. At the root of our frustration is a simple equation:

Anger = Expectations - Reality 

We set ourselves up for failure because we foster unrealistic expectations about how life “should” work.

• We get mad when our kids ignore us because somewhere deep down, we hold a belief that kids should always obey.

• We get annoyed when we can’t find the remote because somehow we’ve convinced ourselves that we live in a world where things shouldn’t go missing.

• We fester when a coworker makes an underhanded comment because we think that everyone should have the same values we do.

Reality, of course, is far more complicated. And Seneca argued that the most effective way to get control of our anger was to be more realistic about how the world actually works.

Seneca did this through a practice he called praemeditatio—meditation in advance. Each morning, he would spend a few minutes vividly imagining all the misfortunes that may come his way: rude people, delays, betrayal, loss.

This was not about being grim and pessimistic. Quite the opposite. It was his way of preparing, of girding himself against life’s inevitable challenges so that he could maintain equanimity in the face of them.

It sounds bleak at first, but it’s actually liberating. It gives us control. It shows us that much of our anger can be avoided if we simply learn to recalibrate our expectations.

👉 Why it matters:

• Being a husband, father, and leader brings no shortage of frustrations.

• We don’t need to compound our challenges by placing unrealistic expectations on the people around us.

• By learning to be more accepting, without compromising our values, we can lessen the opportunities for anger to take hold.

🤔 Prompts for Reflection

• Imagine a recent outburst. What role did your expectations play in creating it?

• Can you imagine a way to lower these expectations that doesn’t violate your values?

• In what parts of your life does your view of how things should work conflict with how they actually do?

Make today impactful,
~Jason

PS - This was part two of a series; if you missed the first edition, check it out here: Toughen Up