What Do You Want?

In this edition of Impactful Ideas, we look at another concept from Terrence Real’s book The New Rules of Marriage — the power of knowing what we want.

🌰 The Idea In a Nutshell:

• We waste too much energy focusing on the things we don’t want in our relationships.

• This kind of negativity and complaining is lazy and unhelpful.

• Getting clear on what we do want takes real work but is key to building better relationships.

📝 More Details

For today’s Impactful Idea, I’m revisiting Terrence Real’s insights in The New Rules of Marriage. In his work in couples therapy, Real routinely sees an unfortunate pattern—we’re too quick to focus on the things we don’t want and slow to focus on the things we do.

We’ll readily complain. We’ll point out our partner’s flaws. We’ll play the victim. But this negativity does little to improve our relationships.

So why do we do it?

Because it’s easy. And we’re lazy.

Real argues that real change only comes when shift our focus to the things we do want. But this demands real effort

• Owning our desires: We have to recognize that we have valid wants and needs.

• Risking rejection: We have to ask for things we might not get.

• Breaking routine: We must be willing to rock the boat.

But if the goal is a stronger relationship, doing this work is a prerequisite.

👉 Why it matters:

• Expressing positives helps partners feel seen and supported.

• Focusing on what we want fosters a proactive rather than reactive approach to healthy relationship-building

🤔 Prompts for Reflection

1. What is something you routinely complain about to our partner?

2. How could that complaint be inverted into focusing on what you do want?

3. What’s one specific thing you could ask for this week that would contribute to a stronger connection with your partner?

Make today impactful,
~Jason