Who's Right? Who's Wrong? Who Cares?!

In this edition of Impactful Ideas, we explore a concept from Terrence Real’s book, The New Rules of Marriage, that can help us better navigate spousal conflict by shifting focus away from being “right” and toward strengthening connection.

🌰 The Idea In a Nutshell:

• When faced with conflict, our first instinct is often to defend ourselves.

• This impulse, while natural, only succeeds in deepening the conflict.

• There will be a time for you to give your side of the story.

• But in those critical opening exchanges, you have one goal: to acknowledge your partner’s distress, not to initiate a debate.

📝 More Details

Today’s idea speaks to those moments when we feel under fire. Your partner is upset. And she’s let you know it.

In the blink of an eye, your nervous system is on fire. Your mind is scrambling for a defense:

• There’s a good reason I forgot the milk…

• I yelled at the kids because…

• I couldn’t help arriving late…

The urge to explain is almost irresistible.

But here’s the uncomfortable truth: in that moment, no rationalization you can possibly come up with will help.

Right now, your partner isn’t looking for your side of the story. She’s wondering one thing—do you care about her feelings? Any attempt to share your perspectives, however valid, will only come off as a deflection.

Instead, Real suggests that in these critical opening moments, “healing is unilateral.” Your partner is distressed and your only job is to listen intently. Reflect back what you’re hearing. Acknowledge what you can about your role in the situation. And focus on what it will take to restore connection in the immediate term.

 Slow down. You have valid points she needs to hear. But not right now. This is the moment to show that the relationship matters more to you than winning an argument.

👉 Why it matters:

• Prioritizing listening over defending softens conflict and opens up space for empathy.

• When we avoid the instinct to justify ourselves, we deepen trust and strengthen the relationship.

• By showing care and patience, we lay the groundwork for a more constructive conversation later.

🤔 Prompts for Reflection

1. How often do you find yourself planning your defense before your partner has even finished her point?

2. Think of a recent disagreement. How might it have gone differently if you had fully received your partner’s concerns before sharing your side?

3. Next time you feel defensive, try a pause. What’s one thing you could say to acknowledge her feelings without defending yourself?

Resisting the urge to be right isn’t easy. But it’s a powerful way to defuse situations, restoring harmony in the immediate term so that the underlying issues can be addressed more productively.

Keep living with impact,
~Jason