The Feedback Wheel

In this edition, we’ll explore another concept from Terrence Real’s book — The New Rules of Marriage. It’s known as the “Feedback Wheel”, and it can help us navigate difficult conversations with our partners (without provoking a shit storm).

🌰 The Idea In a Nutshell:

• Navigating tough conversations without turning them into full-blown arguments is a skill that can be learned like any other

• The Feedback Wheel offers a simple four-part framework to help get you there.

📝 More Details

Here’s how it breaks down:

1️⃣ Observations: Start with what you've directly observed. Stick to the facts. Real suggests this litmus test: Could what you say be observed by a video camera? For example, "I noticed you commented on my parenting style in front of the kids last night."

2️⃣ Thoughts: Share the story you told yourself about what you observed. Acknowledge that this is your subjective interpretation. "The way I interpreted that was that you think I’m a bad father."

3️⃣ Feelings: Share what you experienced. Stick to “I” statements and avoid accusations. For instance, "I felt undermined," not, "You made me feel like shit."

4️⃣ Wishes: Get clear on what you want in the future and communicate it directly. Focus on positive outcomes, not wallowing in negativity. "Moving forward, can you please give me that kind of feedback in private and not in front of the kids?"

👉 Why it matters:

• The Feedback Wheel allows you to highlight the specific behavior you find triggering, share how it affects you, and communicate the change you’d like to see, all without attacking or provoking a bigger argument.

• Following this framework lets you focus on building solutions, not getting stuck in past grievances.

🤔 Prompts for Reflection

1. Think of a recent conflict where communication could have been handled better. How could the Feedback Wheel have changed the outcome?

2. What are some areas in your relationship where you feel feedback is often not well received? How might this tool help?

3. Can you find a way to use the Feedback Wheel in a conversation this week? Note any changes in how the conversation flows.

Make today impactful,
~Jason